Rebuilding from the ruins.
Alchemizing my pain and distress. An act of rebellion and renaissance.
“Some of us are angry”, I said. “Upset, uncertain, and living somewhere on the continuum from concerned to terrified.” She sighed in agreement. “You’re so right. It’s a global howl. A lament”. I nodded and sighed, too. “And what to do with those feelings? How do we feel some sense of agency, power, or possibility when we face a so-called enemy that is somehow everywhere and nowhere. A Hydra that can’t be touched”.
“There’s a sense in me that I am on the edge of a precipice,” I told her. “ I can’t believe I cried the way I cried this week - you know, when you get to the point where you can’t even make a sound—just making ugly faces, belly pumping painfully, and not enough air left to make any noise. And I do believe when we cry like that, we get to cry all the tears our family never cried. I do believe that. All that bio-chemistry they held onto got stuck deep in their cells and passed on to us. What heavy legacies do we inherit? And what is the true weight of all those centuries lurking within us, needing their moments in the sun?”
“Spirit told me a couple or three years ago that they could clear some of the junk in the upper frequency ‘levels’, but we (humans) would have to deal with what was in our frequency band. It’s for us to work in our sphere of influence to clear our own shizzle. At the time, I thought they meant it was something that was going to happen over the next few weeks, you know. I got the message when I was out walking. It was just before Christmas, 2022. I was in the fields during a mild blizzard. I remember it felt very invigorating to be in the whiteness, and the wind, as though everything had been bleached clean. I didn’t then understand that they probably meant we have to tend to this pain for - well - maybe a couple of hundred years. Generations. “The sins of the fathers are visited on the children unto the third and fourth generation”.
Now, as I live here, at and in this painful point of separation, destruction, confusion, and turmoil - I understand the message from a longer perspective. In my daily life, I’m choosing not to linger in my thoughts as often as I am aware of them being of a similar catastrophic nature. However, I do have to feel the pain they stir and that’s the hard bit. I know that if I stay too long in my disempowering thoughts, I will inevitably project my pain somewhere, right? This different way, of personal emotional responsibility, the one my mother Gaia taught me, works through the body. Hers and mine. And what she taught me is a way of cleansing which also releases us from the grip of that “older” system. But it takes courage because we have to remember NOT to believe our story - especially while experiencing it. No wonder it doesn’t make sense. We feel pain; we cry, we rage yet we must believe the sensation is only passing through us and not a definition of who we are or what we must do.
In the old system, to cry meant you were hurt BY someone or something. To be angry, meant someone had angered you. Now, it means you feel the pain of your being and many past experiences, and there’s no ‘reason’ that has to be named. Sure, there will be times when cause and effect seem obvious. But for so much of what I’m feeling, there’s no clear, direct causality, even though I often stumble and think that there is. Even and especially in these extreme times, we must tend to our pain and distress and not connect it with the actions of another, for that simply continues to create a source of fuel for a.n. Other to dine on. When we can act from our preferences and not from our hate or fear, we leave nothing for the predators to prey on. You looked at me, tenderly but with a question in your eyes. “Are you sure, Debs?”. “No,” I said, “I’m not sure but I’m willing to give it a try. The other system I learned is badly flawed and hasn’t created anything I enjoy, so I’ll give this one a go”.
